


Trust In My Love

by jdf1973



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Ian Gallagher, M/M, Sad Ian Gallagher, Sad Mickey Milkovich
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 08:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22093198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdf1973/pseuds/jdf1973
Summary: Summary: Ian's POV just before during and after the diner proposal and the weeks following.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Kudos: 28





	1. CHAPTER ONE

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt in writing in this fandom, and I can only hope I can do our boys justice. The title is tentative and the summary sucks lol. But I'm trying. Warnings and tags will be added as I write. Kudo's and constructive criticism welcomed.

Ian sat waiting for Mickey to show, nervously running his fingers through his hair. He didn't know what to think. Did Mickey kill Paula? He said not, but Mickey didn't come home all night, and he was acting so weirdly this morning, refusing to say where he had been. And the thought of losing Mickey to prison again sent Ian into an all out panic. He couldn't lose him. Not again. He wouldn't survive it.  
Despite all the fights and getting on one another's nerves, losing him was not an option. Talking to Lip didn’t help matters any either. He had so much going on in his life now. With a new baby and a new girlfriend,who of which,Ian wasn’t even sure he liked Tami,but with Lip’s track record,she probably wouldn’t be around for long anyways. So off to ask the neighborhood cop. His suggestion was the only realistic one Ian had received. That and the name of a good lawyer that with any luck Mickey wouldn’t need. So he had to ask Mickey to marry him. It was the only way. He would just have to ignore what his instincts were telling him about it being too soon. That they had yet to really talk about anything in real detail. The fights in jail came to mind once more. Those were never really talked out, just glossed over like everything else that happened the last few years. Ian still had yet to tell Mickey all the reasons why he didn't go to Mexico with him, like the very real fears of his meds not working and the consequences of what that would mean, being on the run. No matter how much he may have wanted to, he wasn’t confident that he was stable enough to handle the stress of it all.

Turned out he was right about that. Ian cringed, remembering the whole Gay Jesus fiasco and blowing up the van, which had landed him in prison. Yeah, that wasn't his finest hour. The events leading up to it should have had him buying a clue. But he had brushed it off, blaming it on leaving Mickey at the border, knowing he would never see him again. And coming home to find out that Monica had died.

Helping those kids had given him something to take his mind off of it, but the whole thing had gotten completely out of hand. He had done things that made him shudder to think about. Having three way sex with an old regular from the Fairy Tail was a big flashing red light he should have seen as a warning that something wasn’t right.

Going to Terry Milkovich for advice was not one of his greatest ideas either. Ian still couldn’t figure out how he managed to make it out of there in tact. The last time he had seen Terry, he was in a cop car getting taken away for breaking his parole at the Alibi the night Mickey came out. And the very next day,Ian couldn’t get out of bed, changing his life forever.  
Taking a trip down memory lane wasn’t something he had wanted to think about, but it was all he had been able to do as he waited for Mickey to arrive. His brain wouldn’t stop, he just kept thinking about everything he had yet to talk to Mickey about. Things he needed him to hear and understand. He needed to know it was never about not loving him. It was about loving him too much. He had seen what bipolar could do to people who loved you. Hell, he lived it. It wasn’t something he wanted Mickey to have to experience. Ian didn’t want him to have to live with the constant fear of not knowing what was going to happen next. Visions of Monica with her wrists slashed on Thanksgiving flashed through his mind. Blood everywhere and the hurt of not being enough to stop it from happening.  
He thought he was saving Mickey from dealing with the pain of wondering. And he just hurt him more in the process. Ian shook his head in frustration, this wasn’t the time.  
Drumming his fingers on the table, he anxiously looked towards the door once more. Still no Mickey. Did he even get my text? He never answered. Shit. This whole thing was driving him mad. And Ian really needed to quit thinking about it, or he would go crazy. And he didn't really need anymore crazy in his life. Ian thought back on his conversation with Lip that morning. Telling Lip that Mickey was psychotic wasn't really the best word he could've used. Over-protective, insane with the need to protect those he loved, didn't necessarily mean he was a psycho. He just got slightly crazy whenever the people he loved were in any kind of danger. And now it was Ian’s turn to protect Mickey.  
Sighing, Ian once again glanced at the door. He really wished Mickey would just show up already. What was taking him so long? It was sending Ian's already overly emotional state into overdrive. He didn't take highly charged potentially explosive situations well these days. Not that he ever really did. Another thing he could blame on Monica and Frank.  
The constant moving around from place to place, never knowing where they were going to be sleeping that night. The fighting, drugs, drinking to either one or both passed out. Being the only one of them that Frank always found a reason to hit. He used to think it was because he hated him. Now he knew it was that and the fact he probably knew he wasn’t actually his. No, growing up with Frank and Monica as parents would mess anyone up. Those two should have never been allowed to have one child, let alone six.

Hearing the bell on the door, he glanced up to see Mickey walk through it. Finally. Now if I can just calm my nerves and get my hands to stop shaking. I can ask Mickey the question I called him here to ask. Ian had never been more terrified of Mickey’s response before. There had never been this much at stake. Even leaving him at the border wasn’t this scary. At least then he knew he would be free. Safe. Even if he would never see him again. Mickey’s safety was all he ever wanted. Even if that meant it wasn’t with him. He drew in a shuddering breath, it was terrifying, loving someone this much. It wasn’t something he ever dared dream he would have when he first fell in love with Mickey. Hoped for, yes. Actually having it? Never in his wildest dreams. But he was so glad he did.  
Seeing the confident stride of the man he loved walking towards him, he knew he was the luckiest man in the world. To have the love of such an amazing person was phenomenal. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve him, but he was done asking himself that question, he decided to just enjoy it. And spend the rest of his life making him never regret giving up his freedom in Mexico to come back and save him from himself once again.  
Drawing in a deep breath, Ian smiled, as the man that meant everything to him sat down. Here goes nothing.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the summary of this to better explain what I want to try and accomplish with writing this. Ian has always ever been betrayed as unfeeling. But I refuse to believe he set out intentionally to hurt Mickey. So this is my take on it all.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Ian breathed, his voice breaking, causing him to groan softly. Come on Ian don’t chicken out now, Mickey’s future depends on this. Their future together depended on this.

Chapter Two

Ian's smile faded as the seriousness of the situation they were in took hold of him once more. Seeing Mickey walk through that door, free, not running from the law, but free to do as he pleased, free and so completely his. Despite everything, Mickey was his. All that he had done in the past, anyone else would’ve walked away, never to be seen or heard from again. But not Mickey, he was the type who stuck with Ian, even with all that he had done to try and drive him away, and if he didn’t do something about it, Mickey and his freedom would once again be taken away from him.  
Rubbing his hands over his thighs trying to quell the nervousness and the tremors in them, he opened his mouth to speak.

“Hey,” Mickey said, sitting down across from Ian, his face showing the strain of today's events, yet it's still so amazingly beautiful. This may not be as hard as Ian thought it was going to be, because despite everything, he loved him, and in the grand scheme of things- wasn’t that all that really mattered?

“Thanks for meeting me,” Ian breathed, his voice breaking, causing him to groan softly. Come on Ian don’t; chicken out now, Mickey’s future depends on this. Their future together depended on this.

“Yeah. Sure thing, formal.” Mickey’s nonchalant attitude was really starting to freak Ian out. Why was he acting like this? If ever there was a time he wished Mickey would talk about what was going on in his mind, it was now. They both chuckled, the tension was thick in the air. It’s been so long since Mickey was this guarded with Ian, he had forgotten what it felt like. And boy, he didn’t miss it at all. In fact, he hated it.

“Let’s order. I’m fucking starving,” Mickey said. “You, uh, get your new P.O assignment? I’m back with Larry fucking Seaver.”

“I think we should get married,” Ian broke in, wanting to ask Mickey before he chickened out, but wishing he hadn't said it so abruptly. This wasn’t going well at all.

“What? We should get married,” Mickey parroted back to him, which would’ve been kinda funny if Ian wasn’t shitting bricks right now, God, why was he so nervous. This is Mickey, he loves him, this shouldn’t be so hard.  
They have been through so much, and yet here they were, together, loving one another. Marriage would be the next step in their life together. Ian really wanted to marry Mickey. he just didn’t think it would be this soon, or without them even talking about it. There were so many things that still needed to be worked out, but there wasn’t time. They needed to do this now, he had to do everything in his power to make sure Mickey remained with him.

“Then we can’t testify against each other in a court of law. You know, in case one of us, uh, had something on the other. It’s called ”spousal privilege”.

“Yeah,” Mickey said, “yeah, uh, heard of it.” 

“It’s for both of our protection, you know? Just keep things clean, help us toe the line a little bit.”

“So what were you thinking? I think staying outta jail is a crap reason to get married,  
” Ian could hear the scoff in Mickey's voice, the hurt he was trying to hide. He had to make him see that he was asking him because he loved him, and if in doing so it helped to keep him safe with that’s just a bonus.

“No! We fucking love each other. That’s why we’re gonna get married. The legal stuff, it’s just a bonus.” He knew how Mickey felt about marriage. He had told him the day he married Svetlana. But this is different, it’s them, Ian and Mickey. They belong together.

“I mean this is marriage though, man. It’s kind of a big step, don’t you think?”

“I love you,” Ian said softly, and I trust you. Do you love and trust me too?” he asks almost afraid of the answer.  
“Jesus Christ,” Mickey said, Ian held out his hand, waiting anxiously to see if Mickey would take it.  
“Okay, so maybe the decision isn’t that hard,” Ian said, not knowing who he was trying to convince, Mickey or himself. Because even though he didn’t think it would happen this soon, he loves Mickey and has every intention of showing him just how much for the rest of their lives.

“You proposing to me over patty melts?” Mickey asked, chuckling softly.

“Yeah. I guess I am. So what do you say? You want to fit it in?”

“Fuck it. I do.”  
Ian smiled in relief. He had done it, he proposed to Mickey and he said yes. Butterflies started fluttering in his stomach. He was getting married to the man he loved. The thought of it was both a blessing and a curse. This should be the time they should be sitting down and thinking about where they wanted to get married. Talk about dates and all the other things engaged couples do. Not heading to the courthouse to get a rush job because of all the legal stuff they could possibly be facing.


	3. Chapter Three

“You didn’t kill Paula,” Mickey said, shocked  
“Told you I didn’t,” Ian said disbelief coloring his voice.  
‘But you kept talking about how you wanted her dead.”   
“You said you wanted her dead too, then you were gone all night.”  
“Doesn’t mean I just went out and murdered somebody. I just got out of prison,” Mickey defended,  
“I just got out of prison too,” Ian stated. Both of them staring at one another in shock.

Chapter Three

It was a stupid thing to do, he was stupid. How can one person fuck up so badly so many times? Why did he continuously mess things up? Ian sighed shakily, lying back on the hospital cot as he waited for the doctor to come in and tell him something he already knew. His leg was broken and his eye hurt like a bitch. He just knew he had a black eye. Mickey’s punching him was no more than he deserved. He thought back to what led up to his current situation.

“In what now appears to be a lovers quarrel, Michelle “Shelly” Demeter has been arrested and charged for the aggravated murder of Paula Bitterman. An eye witness has confirmed that Demeter was seen leaving the premises. Bitterman was just 47 years old.” 

“You didn’t kill Paula,” Mickey said,shocked.  
“Told you I didn’t, Mick,” Ian said, disbelief coloring his voice.  
“But you kept talking about how you wanted her dead.”   
“You said you wanted her deal too, then you were gone all night.”  
“Doesn’t mean I just went out and murdered somebody. I just got out of prison,” Mickey defended,  
“I just got out of prison too,” Ian stated. Both of them staring at one another in shock.

And from there the situation had only gotten worse. The lady had called them up to the counter and they went up still bickering. Mickey had accused him of only wanting to marry him because he thought he was guilty, and not wanting to lie, he had said yes it was part of the reason, and Mickey had walked away.  
He hadn’t stuck around to hear him out, he just left with that God awful look of devastation in his eyes, the very thing he had promised himself he would never cause again. He ran out after him, desperate to explain. He hadn’t really ever thought about marriage. It wasn’t something a gay kid from South Side ever dreamed of doing,but then he had met Mickey and his world had exploded.   
He was a 15 year old kid who had fallen hard for a closeted 18 year old thug, andhis life had never been the same. When Mandy had told him about Mickey’s upcoming marriage to Svetlana all he could think about was that he had to stop him. He couldn’t let Mickey get married, not to her, not when he wanted to marry Mickey himself.  
Not right then though and definitely not right now. Not when they had so much to talk about, so many things to fix. It’s not like either of them has had any real experience in seeing a happy marriage, or in Mickey’s case, had one. Look who he himself had as role models, Frank and Monica aren’t exactly the model of marital bliss. Even Kev and V had their share of trouble.

No, what they needed was to talk. They needed to lay everything out on the table and make sure there was nothing that could tear them apart, then they could talk about marriage. But Mickey hadn’t wanted to listen, he just struck out in the only way he knew how to deal. Yes, maybe Ian shouldn’t have pushed, but all he could think about was getting Mickey to stop and listen to him and talk like they should have done ages ago. 

When Mickey hit him, Ian could admit he had been a little shocked, but, shock quickly faded into hurt when Mickey just looked down at him lying there mumbling a soft, “Fuck,” and then he walked away. He walked the fuck away. Visions of what happened years ago had come back to Ian. Being kicked and beaten and left hurting and crying. He had pushed Mickey both times, pushed him into a hypothetical corner, and both times Mickey had come out fighting. Both times Ian had been left hurt, both physically and mentally, only this time Mickey had called an ambulance to come help him, but he hadn’t stuck around though. That was the most telling of all.

Had he finally lost Mickey? The very thing he so desperately wanted to avoid? No. He had to fix this, he had to make Mickey see just how desperately Ian loved him. They would fix this, and then and only then, could they get married.

“Ah, Mr Gallagher?” Ian jumped, looking up he saw the doctor standing in front of him. By the look on his face he must have been there awhile.

“Oh, uh, hi, sorry. My head was somewhere else,” Ian said, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment. 

“That’s quite alright, Mr.-”

“Ian. You can call me Ian.”

The doctor was maybe a little older than Mickey, and obviously attractive, and by the way he seemed to be checking Ian out, gay and interested. Too bad for him though, he was totally in love with Mickey and he had no intentions of starting even a mild flirtation with the older man.

“Well, Ian it is then.” Ian had to hand it to the guy, he was smooth. He kind of reminded him of Caleb and look how well that turned out. “According to your x-ray your foot is broken, so we’re gonna give you a boot and some crutches and get you out of here just as quickly as we can. Someone will call you to set up physical therapy so you can heal properly. ”

“Sounds good,” Ian responded, just wanting to get out of this place, and away from the doctor. Shaking his head at the inner thoughts he was having, Ian pulled out his phone to call Lip for a ride home. He needed to get out of here and quick. The L would not be an easy or comfortable form of travel with a broken foot, so hopefully Tami would let Lip use her car to pick him up.

Lip was staring, he has done nothing but stare at him since he came to the hospital to pick him, and it is starting to grate on Ian’s already shot nerves. He wants to ask, Ian can tell, but fuck him, he ain’t in the mood to share. Let him take his curiosity and stick it up his ass. He may have lost the man he loves and he is not in the mood to hear Lip and his never ending smart aleck remarks about Mickey. Ian was the one who screwed up, he is always the one who screws up when it comes to Mickey.

“So you gonna tell me what the hell happened?” Lip asked, finally figuring that he wasn’t gonna offer up anything, Ian thought bitterly.

“No.” Oh, that pissed him off, maybe Ian shouldn't be taking out his shitty mood on Lip, but he couldn’t do what he really wanted to do, drink until he passed out and wake up to find it was all some fucked up nightmare.

“Mickey do this to you?” 

“You know, you would say that. You never have anything good to say about him.”

“Well excuse the fuck out me, Ian. You called me, not the other way around. And when I get there, what do I find? My brother with a boot on his foot and no over protective guard dog at your side, so what else am I gonna think when you won’t tell me anything? ” Lip spat back, a little sick of Ian’s attitude.

“No, we had a fight and I fell down some stairs. Mickey didn’t break anything,” Ian said through clenched teeth. Which wasn’t necessarily the full truth, but again it’s none of Lip’s fuckin’ business.”

“About what? Ian, come on man, talk to me. When have I ever let you down?”  
The familiar words cooled Ian’s ire a little and brought back the crushing sense of loss and guilt again.

“I fucked up,” Ian’s voice broke with unshed tears. “I fucked up so bad this time, Lip. He’s gonna leave me, and it’s what I deserve.” The tears were falling now and there was nothing Ian could do to stop it. He didn’t want to.

“Bullshit,” Lip said, shocking Ian into silence. “Bullshit he would never leave you, Ian. He loves you too much.”

“Yeah, well he’s not here is he? Kinda proves your theory wrong, doesn’t it?” 

“He’ll be back, Mickey always comes back,” Lip said softly

“Not this time though. I think he ‘s done with my shit, Lip. All I’ve ever done is hurt him. He would be a fool to come back.”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix it. Nothing can be so bad that it can't be fixed.”

If only that were true, Ian thought. If only he could fix it. 

“I asked him to marry me and then backed out at the marriage license office.”

“You did what now?” Lip asked shocked.

“I said I asked Mickey to marry me and then I couldn’t sign the papers.”

Lip busted out into shocked laughter, clearly not knowing what to say.

“Now tell me I can fix it, Lip,” he almost begged 

“Holy shit. This have anything to do with your parole officer dying?”

“Some, yeah. I asked him because a spouse can’t testify against each other. But that wasn’t the only reason. I love him, Lip. And I would have married him, I really would have, but we found out that someone else killed her and I just froze,” Ian said letting it all pour out, needing someone to listen even if it wasn’t the person he wanted to hear it. “I was terrified that we were moving too fast. There is so much we need to talk about, you know? So much we have just ignored, hoping it will go away if we don’t think about it. And then there’s this fuckin’ disease I inherited from Monica. I don’t wanna put him through what we were put through. We lived it, Lip. We know what it’s like to watch someone bounce off the walls one minute, then the next they are slitting their fucking wrists in the kitchen on God damned Thanksgiving.”

Ian is crying now, all out ugly snot running down your face crying and he can’t seem to stop. It was all just so fucked up, he was fucked up. No amount of liquor could wash this shit away.

“And Frank and Monica they just shit on each others feelings all the time. Monica especially, didn’t matter how much Frank loved her, she just couldn’t stay. And us, her kids, we were forced to raise each other, she would just fly into our lives, fuck them up, and fly back out again, I don’t wanna put him through that, Lip.”

“Ian, you’re not Monica and Mickey sure isn’t fuckin Frank. For one thing, you’re taking your meds, you are not trying to deny you are sick. And that’s not anything Monica would do-”

“But-”

“But nothing Ian. Yeah, what you did was fucked up. And yes, you two should sit down and talk. But there is one thing you forgot in that little meltdown, Mickey loves you and you love him. You two crazy kids already got this halfway figured out, so quit feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and win your man back.”

Ian wanted to believe what Lip said, but his gut is telling him that he’s right. This time he messed up bad, hurt Mickey too much. He doesn’t see what he can do to fix it. Hobbling over to the couch Ian, sat down heavily. He would just sleep here tonight, no sense in climbing the stairs. And if a part of him is hoping he will see Mickey come through that door, well he’s not gonna admit to it

Ian picked up the remote to the tv, some binge watching a show on Netflix is the ticket. Maybe some Walking Dead, he hasn’t really gotten the chance to watch it lately. Sitting back, he prepared to lose himself in the life of Rick Grimes and his merry band of misfits.

A few minutes later and he found himself fighting sleep, his evening meds always made it so hard to stay up past eleven, and it was going on twelve now. The new couch Debbie had insisted on getting wasn’t as comfortable as their old one, despite Frank’s stench, it had been broken in from years of them all sleeping on it at one time or another. Ian closed his eyes, and fell into an uneasy sleep.


	4. Chapter Four

Fuck Mickey, fuck Byron and while he is on the subject fuck everyone else too, Ian thought as he slammed the door behind him. After the confrontation he had with Mickey he isn’t so sure he wants him back. Why had he listened to Debbie? She has never even had a relationship, let alone gone through half the shit he and Mickey had. And fuck Mickey for not answering him. Would it have been so hard? How did he know what he felt for Ian was love? Ian didn’t even know who he was half the time, how could Mickey know he loved him, the real him, was there even a real him anymore? These are the things that have been running through his mind over and over. These are the questions he needed Mickey to answer. He needed someone to answer because he for damn sure didn’t know.

His whole life had been one disaster after the other. Was there any wonder he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing? What normal teenager is a mistress to their much older married boss? Pretty sure that isn’t something that is supposed to lead to the benefit of a normal, happy upbringing. And whose mother takes their minor son to a strip club? Yeah, he was the poster boy for knowing what the fuck good decisions are.

Where does Mickey get off telling him he doesn’t love him enough to marry him? It was just a piece of paper right? At least that’s what he told him, once upon a time. Ian didn’t know anymore. He was just so confused, his thoughts were banging off each other, making him wonder if he should be worried. Maybe his meds needed adjusting again?

He drew in a breath and hobbled over to the couch, he just needed a minute. His damn foot was throbbing in time to the headache he can already feel was gonna make itself known. What was that about anyway? Did Mickey even care about his broken foot due to the result of his punch to the face? He stood right in front of him on crutches for crying out loud. Not once but twice and he never said a word. Oh, he said plenty about how tight Byron’s ass was, how he was so busy with his dick in his mouth. Come the fuck on, was he supposed to be jealous of that little twink? Because he was, he really was.

He was jealous and hurt, and so confused. Mickey said he loved Byron, and that hurt, it made Ian question if Mickey actually did love this guy, and maybe what he felt for Ian was just habit? How was one night with some twink off the street the answer to falling out of love with Ian. Maybe Mickey was tired of dealing with Ian and all it entailed, Ian sure was.

He had asked Mickey how he knew he loved him, all of him, but Mickey hadn’t answered, had he? Ugh, here we go again. He needed to calm down, he knew that he wasn’t even making sense to himself. He was spiralling and the only person he trusted enough to catch him didn’t want to be here anymore.

Wiping angrily at his eyes, Ian winced forgetting for a minute that his eye was fucked up too. He needed a drink, Maybe a half a dozen to deal with this shit, but he knew he couldn’t because it fucked with his meds. He was so tired of dealing with his shit show of a life. He needed to get his head together and try once more to fix things with Mickey, if he could fix things with him. If he could just get him to listen, it would make all the difference, it had too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard chapter to write. I struggled with what Ian's thoughts would be after his confrontation with Mickey. I thought he had to have felt a little anger at Mickey for not understanding what he needed from him, but at the same time he struggled with his own thoughts and doubts. Comments and suggestions are always welcomed.


End file.
